We get a kick out of reading our email and if we believed everything we were sent? Well. We would be the Forward Queens of the Universe.
And banned from everyone’s email list.
Here are some of the things we’ve learned:
1. If you are approached in the parking lot of a gas station by someone selling perfumes run for your life—they are going to poison you with ether cotton balls.
2. If you post on your Facebook Wall “In response to the new Facebook guidelines I hereby declare that my copyright is attached to all of my personal details…” blah blah blah… All of the stuff you post on the Internet will be PRIVATE.
ON THE INTERNET.
3. Before you pump your gas, check the gas handles because creepers put needles full of sedatives in them on the handles so it will poke you, drug you and they can drag you off to then violate you.
4. If you are going to your car in a mall parking lot, look under your car because rapists hide under there and slit your ankles and then drag you off and violate you.
5. Don’t shake hands with strangers because you will get injected with a knock out drug and then dragged off and … Yup. You guessed it: Violated.
6. Watch out when you go to the malls because you could possibly be murdered by people being initiated into Gangs.
7. There is an FBI Agent who has had a “Come to Jesus” moment and her “Christianity” will not allow her to associate with all the heathens that are in the FBI. If you will believe her and her tales of all the wrong doings in our government then she will send you a large sum of cash from The New York Bank of Mellons
8. If I will sign this petition and pass it on to all of my contacts, then Bill Gates will FOR SURE share a portion of his wealth with everyone that signs the petition.
9. I HAVE to sign the petition—especially if I’m a good Christian—to stop the FCC from banning all religious broadcasting in the United States. Including, but not limited to: Touched by an Angel, Music and the Spoken Word, Joyce Meyers, Joel Osteen and General Conference
10. That “it was on the news and in an email so it’s totally true” if you forward this email on to everyone you know you will be participating in a Microsoft study and they will totally pay you $243 for the first forward $242 for the second forward and $241 for the third. In one week you can earn over $25k just from forwarding emails. Dude! The guy who wrote it was an attorney—so it MUST be true!
11. If you notice someone following you while driving in your car you just have to dial #77 in any state and you will immediately be connected with highway patrol dispatchers.
12. We have a long lost Nigerian Uncle who wants to leave us a ba-jillion dollars. All we need to do is respond to the email with our personal information.
13. Watch out for people handing out key-rings. You know like the ones you get from companies for free? Yeah. They have tracking software in them that makes it so they can track where you live and then come to your house and yes, you guessed it, VI-O-LATE YOU.
14. If you are forced to withdraw money from your ATM you can alert authorities by putting your PIN # in backwards and the ATM machine will recognize that you’re putting it in backwards, which really means you’re being robbed. So it will spit the money out half-way and then immediately call the police.
15. If you click LIKE and then SHARE on your Facebook wall a Target Ad that says “Get a $500 Voucher by sharing and commenting THANK YOU TARGET” you will receive a $500 Target Gift Voucher in your email. HURRY! There are only 97 left!
With the sheer volume of “informative” emails (and Facebook posts) that we get we should write a book and call it “Everything I Know I Learned From Reading My Email.”
Not only would we be crazy rich but we would be crazy rich basket cases.
THREE WORDS FRIENDS:
Before you post on Facebook or forward that crazy email on to all 90 ba-jillion friends, check it out on snopes.com.
Your friends will thank you.
Who wants to help us write that book?