Editors Note: I post this exact same letter every year on my blog. Someone sent it to me in an email YEARS ago and I love it! I actually really mean it, too. Especially the last line.
I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled my four children on demand. I have visited their doctor’s office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I also figured out how to attach nine patches onto my son’s boy scout uniform with staples and a glue gun. (really. I did!)
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room, between cycles. And, and who knows when I’ll find anymore free time in the next eighteen years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
I would also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere around the seventh month two pregnancies ago.
If you’re hauling big ticket items this year I would like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could really use a talking doll that says, “Yes, Mommy” to boost my parental confidence, along with four kids who don’t fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting “Don’t eat in the living room” and “Take your hands off your brother,” because my voice seems to be just out of my children’s hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.
If you don’t mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season.
Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would also be helpful if you could coerce my children into helping around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don’t catch cold. Help yourself to the cookies on the table but don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
P.S. One more thing…you can cancel ALL of my requests if you can keep my children young enough to always believe in Santa.